Let's Make It Right
by SweetLala92
Summary: Set right after season 7. What happens ehen Derek finds out Meredith was allowed to take Zola home? What if there is another surprise waiting that neither Derek nor Meredith know of? Will they be able to make it all right? MerDer but also other charakters
1. Finding Out

So this is my first Grey's Anatomy fanfiction. It takes place right after season 7. Please read and review and don't forget to tell me if I should go on writing or not ;)

**Let's Make It Right**

**Finding Out**

It was the day that they should eventually become a family but everything turned out to be shattered. Meredith was allowed to take little Zola home from the hospital and was granted partial custody of her, of course together with her husband Derek. They had been dreaming of their very own little family ever since they lost their first kid during the shooting and had been trying, but Meredith had a hostile uterus so she had trouble getting pregnant. So they decided to try anyway until they met Zola, an orphan from Malawi. Derek met her because he was supposed to put in a shunt to drain her spinal fluid. He instantly connected with the tiny human and immediately talked to his wife about adoption. After heaps of paper work and meetings with a social worker they were finally considered to be Zola's parents on the day Derek found out about Meredith messing with his clinical trial about Alzheimer's. It was a trial to cure the awful disease Meredith might have inherited from her mother, but now all the work was messed up by Meredith switching syringes so Adele would get the active agent. Anyway Derek left to think after saying he was not sure he wanted to raise a baby with someone who doesn't know right from wrong. Just then Meredith was granted custody and took her little girl home. It was supposed to be crowded and loud but instead it was quiet and no one was there until Cristina came in telling Meredith she was getting an abortion. Her husband Owen kicked her out because she made the decision without thinking about him. Cristina headed to the couch immediately due to her having a headache. Just then Zola started to cry and Meredith ran upstairs to calm her down.

"Hey baby girl, what's the wrong?" she asked softly entering the room. She picked up Zola and sniffed her diaper. "Oh, I see where the problem is" she said walking to the changing table to put off her romper suit and diaper which revealed a disgusting smell. Zola didn't stop crying. "Shhh, it's okay, but you have to help me here. We're a team, remember?" she asked soothingly. It seemed to calm Zola down as she changed her diaper and dressed her again.

Meredith picked her baby up again and lay her down in her portable crib before going to the bathroom to get ready for bed. When she came back to her room Meredith noticed that Zola was still wide-awake so she took the baby and cradled her what seemed to make her sleepy. Meredith waited until the baby was fast asleep and took her in bed with her. She was really nervous about being in bed with the tiny human but still wouldn't let go of her as Zola grabbed a strand of her mother's hair in her sleep. Meredith let out a small smile before closing her eyes trying to sleep. It seemed impossible to sleep since every time she drifted away the fight she had with Derek crossed her mind waking her up again.

Zola woke up several times that night but always fell back asleep after having her diaper changed or something to eat.

The next morning Derek got up from his mattress he had placed in the nursery of the new still unfinished house. He went to his car and drove to the hospital where he took a shower in the attending's room first before going on rounds. Right after rounds he was paged to the ER.

"Tell me what you got" he told Owen as he walked in the ER. He noticed that it was pretty empty besides the usual emergencies. "Didn't you page any residents to help you out?" he asked confused when he saw no residents but April Kepner who was on Hunts service this day.

"I didn't page you for a trauma, Shep. I need to talk to you about Cristina." He noticed a questioning look on Derek's face and went on. "She's pregnant and decided to have an abortion without considering what I want. Do you think you can talk to your wife so she can talk mine into having this baby?" he asked hopefully.

"I think that's not such a good idea? You know after what you told me about my trial we got in a fight and I never went home last night." He answered quietly.

"So you don't know if Cristina went to your house last night? I told her to leave after she told me about her plan and hoped that she went to your house." You could see that Owen lost all the hope he had.

"No, I'm sorry. Maybe you should try to talk to her, I think she's on Bailey's service this week. I think that's something you should clear that one out with your wife alone. Meredith would just tell her that she should keep it because she wants a baby herself." Derek explained just before the phone started to ring with a big trauma coming in.

Derek walked back to the surgical floor to get the ORs prepped.

In the morning Meredith woke up by Zola crying. She looked at the clock that read 5:30am before getting up with the baby. She changed her diaper and fed her some formula before going downstairs to the kitchen and fix herself and Cristina breakfast. Just as it was ready Cristina entered the kitchen seeing Meredith.

"Morning" she murmured.

"Hey, had a good night's sleep?" she asked trying to be cheerful for her friend when she truly fell apart in the inside.

"No, not really, this damn fetus kept me awake all night hugging your toilet. I'm so happy when this is finally over and I can move on with my life the way it used to be." Cristina sighed.

"You know maybe you should think about keeping it. Wouldn't it be cool if Zola had a friend to play with? You wouldn't have to be a home-staying mom because you have Owen. He can take care of the baby and I could take care of it, too, I mean with Zola and everything." Meredith tried to convince her friend.

They sat there in silence for a few minutes until Zola started to cry again and Meredith got her down in the kitchen with them.

"Chief!" Derek said when he saw the chief walk by. Dr. Webber stopped and turned around and looked at his chief of neurosurgery.

"Shep?" he waited for Derek to start talking.

"Have you seen Meredith? She was supposed to be on my service today but I can't find her anywhere." He hated to admit it but since they had the fight the night before Derek was really worried that his wife didn't show up for work that morning.

"Yea, she called me last night telling me she needed some time off for some family business. I thought it had something to do with you and her adopting that kid from Malawi. I think Zola's her name. Meredith called to get a leave of absent for two weeks so she could take care of the baby" he said.

"What?" he asked both shocked and confused.


	2. Bad Timing

**Thanks for all the nice reviews. They really made me happy. So here's a new chapter. Please tell me what you think and if I should go on writing ;)**

**Bad Timing**

"So, what are we going to do today?" Meredith asked looking at Zola in her arms. "Do you want to go and buy furniture for you?" she started to smile as Zola grabbed a strand of her hair and put it in her mouth.

Meredith went upstairs, changed Zola into street clothes and put her in her crib before going to the bathroom to take a shower, brush her teeth and got ready to leave. She took Zola out of her crib and put her in her car seat. As she left the house she noticed that it was a sunny day what happened rarely in Seattle. She put Zola's car seat in the car and drove off to the city to buy some stuff for the baby.

When she arrived she went to the cart station and got a cart right before she went to get Zola and put her in the child seat in it. Then she went in the building with a piece of paper in her hand and a pencil in Zola's. The baby put the end of the pencil in her mouth as she looked at her mother. Meredith couldn't help but laugh at the cuteness. She walked through the aisles and noted the numbers of all the furniture she wanted to buy. In the end she bought a new crib, changing table, cupboard and a high chair. Meredith went to the check-out and cleared that they delivered the furniture on that day.

"See baby girl, we're a team and now you have your own furniture and not some dead kid's crib to sleep in." She said to Zola and put her in the car to drive back home.

Around noon a truck with all the stuff Meredith had bought before stopped at the house and three men brought everything in and even arranged everything so Meredith just hat to tell them where to put it. As they were done she tipped them and led them out before heading back upstairs with Zola who was in the portable crib.

"You want to try your new crib?" Meredith asked the baby who let out a little scream and stretched her hands in the air so her mother could pick her up. Just as Meredith placed Zola in the new crib the phone rang.

After what he had heard from the chief Derek immediately took off and drove to the house. He parked the car and ran into the building.

"Meredith?" he asked quietly, not sure if the baby was asleep or not. When he didn't get an answer he went to the kitchen but no one was there. The same with the living room and the bathroom. "Meredith?" he asked louder as he went upstairs. Still no response. As he entered the bedroom he noticed a portable crib he didn't recognize and walked over to it. He saw that it had been used. A smile ran across the face as he understood that he was a father now. "Meredith?" he now called loudly but had to learn that the house was empty.

Derek pulled out his phone from his jacket and dialed Meredith's number. He listened to the beeping sound but Meredith never picked up. The worry came up as he realized that he still didn't know where Meredith and Zola were. Derek went back to the bedroom and sat down on the bed thinking.

'_How could I be so stupid? I told Meredith, the love of my life, that she'd be a bad mother and I didn't want to raise a kid with her.' _He thought. Yes, Meredith still was the love of his life and now he understood that. _'I promised her that no matter what I wouldn't run and that I'd show up after a fight and I just broke all the promises I made to her. She is my wife like my actual real wife and I kicked her like a dog about being human and caring.' _Guilt started to wash over him was he was sitting there.

He was sick to his stomach as he waited there for Meredith to return home. When he noticed that it would take a while until she'd be back he couldn't wait any longer and called Lexie who immediately answered her phone.

"Hey Derek, what's up?" she answered her phone cheerfully not knowing what was going on. He explained the whole situation to her. "Well, I was on call last night so I didn't see her or any baby. Congratulations on being a parent Derek."

"Thanks." He said politely but was sad in the inside. "Do you know where she could be?" Derek asked hopefully.

"No, no idea but why don't you call Yang? She might now something since I heard that she stayed at the house last night. I heard Owen kicked her out for some reason." She said.

"That's a good idea. Thanks, Lexie. Talk to you soon, bye." He said and hang up the phone before Lexie could say anything else. Derek immediately called Cristina's phone but she didn't pick up.

A few minutes later he tried Meredith's phone again but she didn't answer. He wrote her a text message telling her that he was sorry and wanted to talk to her. Derek called Cristina again and luckily she picked it up.

"Shepherd, what do you want?" she asked.

"Hey Cristina, I know that you were with Meredith last night. I'm at the house now but she isn't here and neither is Zola. Do you know where they are? I'm really worried and have to talk to her." He started to explain.

Cristina let out a laugh. "You want to talk now? She called you like a thousand times last night and you didn't bother answering." She hissed. "I don't know where she is. Believe it or not, but I'm not her babysitter and I have a life and a job. I had to leave for work at half past six this morning and never heard of her again." Derek could hear that her pager wen off. "I have to go, bye." She said hanging up.

Derek felt like he just lost everything and wanted to wait for Meredith to finally come back home as his pager went off, too, and he had to leave.

As he arrived at the hospital he was greeted by Owen who led him to trauma three where the patient was. Derek immediately had to get him to an OR to perform a craniotomy which took hours because of many complications. He eventually left the OR a few hours later and was pulled into a new case. He knew that he wouldn't made it home that night.


	3. Stubborn

**Thanks again for all the nice reviews. They really mean a lot to me! You're all really great and I'm sorry that it took me so long for the update. I might not be able to update for about a week now since I'm off to Ireland on Monday but I'll try to have a new update up as soon as possible. Okay, enough from me. You know the drill, read and review ;)**

**Stubborn**

In the evening Meredith got ready for bed before looking into the crib where Zola was sleeping peacefully. She decided not to take her in bed with her since she was already asleep. Meredith lay down in bed and felt something hard under her pillow. She reached under it and felt her cellphone. As she took it in her hands she saw that there were some missed calls from Derek and a message. Meredith opened the message and read it. After that she just lay back and thought about the phone call she had received earlier. It was the chief telling her how sorry he was for everything and that Derek seemed to have a hard time before hanging up again.

Meredith sighed and closed her eyes trying to sleep what seemed a hard thing to do but eventually she fell asleep until Zola woke up needing a new diaper. After that Meredith took the baby in bed with her again what seemed to calm her extremely down. They cuddled under the covers as they slept in the big bed.

Late at night Derek came home and saw Meredith and Zola in bed sleeping. He smiled at his wife and baby before going to the bathroom to get ready for bed. As he came back to the bedroom and sat down on the bed Meredith sat up and took Zola in her arms.

"What do you think you're doing?" she asked quietly but Derek could hear that she was pissed.

"Coming in bed to my wife and daughter." He said innocently but sweetly as he reached out to take the baby from her eyes.

"Forget it." She hissed as she turned a little so Derek couldn't take the baby from her. "Take your pillow and covers and sleep on the couch. I don't want you here." She said giving him his pillow.

"Mer, I want to talk. We need to talk. We have a child together now." He tried to talk to her but she just ignored him. Therefore, he just took his stuff and went to the living room to sleep on the couch.

Meredith lay in bed and started to cry. It all just was too much for her, having a baby and seeing Derek. As she lay there with Zola in her arms, the tears ran down her cheeks. All of the sudden she felt nausea in her stomach. She held her free hand above her mouth and ran quickly to the bathroom before throwing up in the toilet. After twenty minutes of throwing up, she brushed her teeth again before going back to the bedroom where Zola was still sleeping. Meredith lay down again and put an arm protectively over her baby girl before trying to sleep. Eventually the exhaustion kicked in and she fell asleep.

Two hours later Meredith woke up by the cry of the baby. She got up with Zola and tried to calm her down, as she smelled a disgusting smell from the diaper and went to the changing table with the baby in her arms. When the diaper was changed, Zola was still crying because she was hungry. Meredith went downstairs to the kitchen to get a bottle of formula and feed the baby. Suddenly she saw a dark silhouette in the doorframe.

"What the hell do you want?" she hissed to Derek as she held on Zola more tightly.

Derek stepped closer to her. "Why won't you let me feed her so you can sleep?" He offered. "You look exhausted and I'm here anyway. Just give me the baby and I'll take care of her while you get some sleep." He reached out his arms for Meredith to give Zola to him.

"Forget it. You weren't there for her first night and neither did you answer my calls. Who are you to think that you have any right to tell me what to do now?" she asked sharply before feeding the infant in her arms. "Go. I don't care where you go. I just don't want you near me. Why won't you go back to sleep or better yet back to where you were last night where you were happier anyway? Why did you even come back here? To tell me that I'm a bad mother? To tell me you want a divorce? To take away my baby?" Derek could tell that she got angrier by the minute.

Before Derek could answer anything Meredith left the kitchen with the baby and the bottle and went upstairs to the bedroom. She sat down with Zola on her lap and fed her until she was stuffed and fell asleep in her mother's arms. Meredith lay the baby down and got comfortable herself before crying herself to sleep as the nausea came back. She immediately got up and ran to the bathroom where she threw up in the toilet.

Meanwhile Derek stood stunned in the kitchen where Meredith had left him. He was confused and sad at her outburst and didn't know how to reach her or even got to spent time with his child as she was so protective. As he thought about it he realized what he had said before about Meredith not being able to be a good mother and felt bad, especially after what he had just seen. A tear made its way down his cheek as the realization hit him.

Derek went to the living room where he sat down trying to figure out how to make up to Meredith although he was still pretty mad at her for ruining his trial but he also felt sorry for the way he talked to her. He sighed and tried to figure out how to make up as he heard Meredith moving to the bathroom. A bad feeling built up in his guts and he quickly but quietly ran up the stairs and to her door. He leaned against it and could her Meredith throwing up. Even more guilt built up in his guts. All he wanted was being with his wife, holding her as she obviously was feeling bad.

"Mer?" he slightly knocked on the door but she didn't answer. "Meredith?" he knocked again a little louder.

"Leave." She answered, trying to sound pissed but Derek could clearly hear that she felt like crap. He wanted to hold her even more now but knew that she wouldn't let him. A tear ran down his cheek.


	4. We Need To Talk

**First of all thank you for all of the nice reviews they really helped me to write some more of this story here! It's a little longer than the other parts because I needed to clear some things out and since I'm not able to update for a week I decided to feed you a little more than you're used to ;) But there definitely won't be another update before my trip. So you have to wait for about a week now.**

**Please ****read**** and ****review****!**

**We Need To Talk**

The next morning Meredith sneaked out of the house with Zola. She tried to be as quiet as possible so Derek wouldn't wake up. All she wanted was a little time without her husband to figure things out. She put the baby in the car seat before getting in the driver's seat and drove off not even knowing where to go. Eventually she decided to drive to the park so Zola could play a little in the sandbox while she was thinking about the future. The future. Her stomach flipped at the thought of it. How was the future going to be? Would she and Derek still be together or would they be divorced just like he and Addison. But there was a baby in the picture. A tiny human being who couldn't take care of itself and needed help especially with having spina bifida. Just then it hit her. She had a baby, a sick baby and she couldn't take care of it on her own. But was she supposed to just stay with Derek because of the baby? Other parents made it work to have a child and a career and an ex-husband. 'Damn it' she thought as she realized that she didn't know if she would even have a career after what she did and being suspended maybe even on probation. As all those thoughts ran through her mind her stomach flipped. Meredith held her hand in front of her mouth and turned to the bushes before wildly throwing up. After she was done she immediately turned back around to look after Zola who was happily throwing sand around her and giggling as she did so. Meredith smiled at the sight and took a bottle out from her bag, which was supposed to be for Zola, but she thought it wouldn't matter as long as she had the disgusting taste out of her mouth.

"What am I doing to do baby girl?" she asked quietly as she ran her fingers through the baby's hair. Zola just squealed and threw more sand around her causing Meredith to smile a deeply hearted smile.

Zola looked up to her mother and smiled wildly. Meredith came close to her face with hers and gave her a little peck on the forehead before she rubbed her nose against Zola's. The baby threw her tiny arms to Meredith's neck as if she wanted to hug her. In response Meredith put her hand on the back of the tiny baby girl and smiled.

Suddenly her smile faded and Meredith had to throw up again but this time she didn't make it to the bushes. She groaned before sitting back down next to the baby. "I think we should go." She whispered more to herself than to Zola as she picked her up. Zola looked around and seemed to be confused since she was having a lot of fun in the sandbox. As Meredith got to the car she figured that the baby needed something to eat although she wasn't crying but it was about time. So she got a bottle of formula out of the bag and sat in the car with the baby on her lap in order to feed her. When Zola was done with the whole bottle she let the air out and fell asleep in her mother's arms. Meredith smiled at the sight before putting her in the car seat and drove off.

During the drive to the house Meredith listened to the music on the radio. As the song "Because Of You" by Kelly Clarkson was played she started to cry. It remembered her of her childhood after her parents had broken up and her mother's behavior around her afterwards. A shiver ran down her spine at the thought and she suddenly knew that she didn't want that to be the story of her child. Growing up without a father was the worst thing that could happen to a child. Meredith had to learn that the hard way when her mother took off to Boston and took her away from her father. She hadn't seen him for more than twenty years and when they finally started to have a relationship his new wife died ruining everything all over again until he needed a liver transplant and Meredith was the only donor. They were talking to each other but they still didn't have a good relationship. Before she knew it Meredith turned in the driveway of the house where she stopped the car but didn't get out. She was sitting there for minutes just thinking.

As Derek woke up in the morning he looked on the clock on his phone. Seeing that it was nearly half past nine he got up and went upstairs straight to the bedroom wondering why he didn't hear Zola cry once in the past hours. She should have been awake for more than two hours now to have some formula. Worry built up in his guts and he slowly opened the door to peek in it. As the door was open he looked in the room noticing that neither Meredith nor Zola were there. Derek went to the bathroom but it was empty, too. After going through the whole house not finding his wife and child he called Meredith's phone. His heart jumped as he heard it in the kitchen also it confused him since he didn't see her in there before. He went in the kitchen and saw the phone lying on the counter. His worry changed to desperation.

"Where are you?" he asked, not sure if he meant himself or some higher power.

He called Cristina and Lexie but both of them didn't know where Meredith was. Derek paced through the house for what seemed like hours until he was paged to the hospital for some surgery. Being the head of neuro he had to do the trauma surgeries and the ones that seemed really complicated or high risk. So he figured that it was something big because otherwise they wouldn't have paged him. He grabbed his keys and drove to the hospital where a craniotomy had to be performed on a little girl that was in a car accident. The surgery didn't took too long and the girl made it through without any complications. Because it was his day off Derek drove back to the house and went inside noticing that he was still alone there.

To get his mind off everything he caught up on paper work until he heard a car pull up in the driveway of the house. He jumped up from the chair he was sitting in and looked out of the window and saw Meredith sitting in her car with Zola in the backseat. He let out a sigh of relief but decided not to go out there yet. Instead he wanted to wait until Meredith came in herself.

A few minutes passed with no action before he saw Meredith getting out of the car. She looked pale and even more tiny than usual. To be honest she looked like she would faint any second. He wanted to go out there and help her but he knew that she wouldn't want it and they'd just fight about it. Instead he waited for her to get Zola out of the car and come inside. As he heard the lock he decided to sit down over his paperwork again so it didn't seem like he waited for her. After all he still had his ego.

As Derek looked up from his desk and saw Meredith standing in the doorframe with Zola on her hip. "Hey." She said but he couldn't say what her mood was.

"Hey." He said as he got up from his chair walking over to his girls. "Hey Zola." He said sweetly to the infant who had her head on Meredith's shoulder looking pretty tired. "Where were you? I was-" he started to say but Meredith interrupted him.

"Derek, we need to talk." She whispered and he nodded in agreement. "I'll change Zola and take her for a nap and then we'll talk, okay?"

"Sounds like a plan. Can I come upstairs with you? I want to take her for a nap, too." He asked a little nervous.

"Sure, why not?" Meredith simply answered before they went upstairs into the bedroom. The house was oddly quiet again due to Alex not living there anymore and Lexie, April and Jackson being in the hospital but neither Derek nor Meredith minded. As Meredith undressed her Zola started to cry and wouldn't stop. In the inside Derek freaked out because he didn't know what was wrong with the baby but he didn't want to show Meredith his feelings. Instead he just looked at her. Zola started to cry even louder and wouldn't stop until Meredith began to sing the alphabet in a soft and comforting voice calming the baby down. Derek was really impressed by the scenery and his wife's mother instincts. Meredith dressed Zola again and put her in her portable-crib because the furniture she bought wasn't arranged yet. She switched on the baby monitor and motioned Derek to go out with her.

They went in the kitchen and sat down looking at each other not sure what to say. "We were in the park this morning. I needed to think." Meredith suddenly said quietly but still loud enough so he could understand her.

"Thinking about what?" he looked rather confused. Deep down in his stomach he had a strange feeling but he tried to ignore it.

"About us." She said pausing for a little while. "I needed to figure out what I want and what's best for Zola. It's not just us anymore. There is a baby in the mix, a sick baby for that matter and you decide to run as soon as something happens. Remember the post-it?" she looked at him with tears in his eyes as he looked at her nodding. "We said no running when things get hard and we said that we love each other even when we hate each other. So where did those promises go to when you just left not answering my calls?" she asked him looking sad.

"I don't know. I think it just was too much. What you did ruined my trial. The trial I started to have a cure for an awful disease, a disease you might have in your genes. I felt like the last chance for you just slipped away right under my hands and I couldn't bear it. They might shut down the trial at least it's on hold right now and there might me consequences for both of us, for our careers and I just was so mad at you until I lay in the rain understanding what you must have felt like. The house on the land, that's where I was that night." Derek explained.

"No, I guess you don't understand why I did this." She sighed. "The chief asked me to do everything for Adele and after she thought that I was my mother asking me- well her- to give Richard back to her it just was too much." She started rambling. Derek looked at her wide eyed as she just nodded at the question she could see in his eyes. "I needed to make sure that she got the treatment. I didn't want to lose another mother to this disease. I know that she isn't my mother but in the past years Richard was more of a father than mine was for the past twenty years and I guess this is why I consider Adele a mother to me. You said you started the trial to help _me_. Because you wanted to save me and that's exactly what happened here. I just wanted to help a family member and I won't apologize to that because in my eyes it was right what I did. Maybe it wasn't ethnically right but it was right." She paused. "And on top of it all I was told that we were allowed to take Zola home that day." A tear slid down her face remembering that night.

"Mer, I had no idea what was going on. I'm sorry for the way I talked to you. I shouldn't have said that I didn't want to raise a child with you because I clearly do and my comment about you not being a good mother was inappropriate. You're a great mother and I always knew that. I even saw it just minutes ago when Zola didn't stop crying. I started to freak out and you just calmed her. It was really impressive. You're nothing like your mother and neither are you a bad one. You're a damn good mother!" he said running his hand on her arm before wiping away the tear that fell down her cheek. "You said you needed to think about us." He said but it sounded more like a question.

"Yea, Derek you hurt me in a way you promised not to. I needed to think about if I still want that." She simply said not looking at him. "Look, my father left when I was little and I grew up with a mother who just loved her job and nothing else besides maybe Richard." She now looked up in his eyes. He nodded reassuringly. "Anyway I don't want that for my child. I don't want her to feel the way I felt growing up with no father and if we'd go separate ways she would just have one parent and one to go to every two weeks or something like that and that's something I don't want for her either. Then I thought that I can't be in a relationship just because of the child." Derek's heart sank a little at the thought of losing Meredith but just as he wanted to say something she motioned to say something herself. "That's when I thought of what happened last year when you were shot what made me realize how much I still love you."

"I love you, too." He said before she could say anything more. He could feel his heart stop for a second as he heard the words coming from her mouth.

"I want to be with you but I need you to prove me that you're serious about all of it and not just run like you ran just a few days ago." she sighed.

"I'll make it up to you but I promise you to never do that again. I can't live without you anymore and I really want to be a father to Zola." He explained.

Meredith got up from his chair wanting to walk over to Derek as a wave auf nausea hit her causing her to throw up right on the floor before everything went black and she fell on the floor unconscious.


	5. Sick

**Okay guys, here's the new chapter as promised. Please don't get mad at me for the end of the chapter, but I have a plan for this one and it can't be all fuzzy and cute. Trust me you will like this in the end. I know that I have to clean some things up as the story goes and I'm about to do that in one of the next chapters. Please ignore my spelling. I wrote the entire chapter on my flight home last night and I didn't have a dictionary anywhere near me. So for now READ and REVIEW cause reviews make me happy :)**

**Sick**

As Meredith woke up she noticed she wasn't at home but at some different place she definitely knew. She looked around and saw white walls and sheets around her. 'Must be the hospital. But why am I here?' she thought. She looked around hoping she would get a hint about what had happened to her. She noticed an IV go in her arm and a shiver ran down her spine because she didn't know what was wrong. Suddenly she noticed that she was alone in her room with no sight of Derek or Zola. "Derek" she asked in the room hoping he would be in the bathroom. When no response was to be heard she realized that he wasn't there so she pushed the nurse call button.

"Dr. Grey what can I do for you?" the nurse asked as she entered the room, taking her vitals and checking the heart monitor closely. In Meredith's opinion she watched it too closely to be comfortable. Many different heart issues crossed her mind as panic built up in her body. It even could be seen on the monitor. "Calm down. It might not be anything wrong with you. We'll know when we get the blood test back but you should be fine. I'm just following protocol here." The nurse tried to calm Meredith down and succeeded.

Meredith tried to sit up and was surprised that she made it without any problems. "Where –" she stopped speaking as she got dizzy and sick. "Where is my husband?" she asked as the feeling slowly started to fade away again. "Dr. Shepherd." Meredith added due to the nurse seeming to be new and might not know who her husband was at all. "What happened to me? Why am I here?" she asked trying to stay calm.

"You fainted." A voice said and Meredith knew that it was Derek without even looking at him. She looked over to the door and saw him leaning in the frame smiling at her as the nurse left. He seemed to be cheerful but she knew that he was worried in the inside and didn't want to show it. Meredith saw that under his surface he was worried and scared. Worried about her fainting for no reason and scared because he didn't know what was wrong with his wife and if she was contagious. She had spent the whole morning and night with Zola. What would be if she was contagious and she infected Zola with whatever she had? "Remember? We were talking in the kitchen and all of the sudden you just fainted. I could catch you before you hit the ground and brought you to the car before getting Zola." He explained the whole situation to his wife.

"I remember but I don't remember fainting. Do you know what happened? Did you make a head CT or an MRI?" she immediately switched to doctor mode. "I might have something in my brain." She thought of what she might have. "Wait. I've been throwing up a lot lately. I could have a stomach bug." All the different diagnoses that were possible went through her mind but she couldn't point her finger on it. Suddenly something crossed her mind and she looked at the room closely before speaking up. "Where is Zola?" she asked switching back to mother mode.

Derek chuckled at her sudden change of modes. "I took her to the pediatrician. Just to be on the safe side. After all she's post-op and we don't know what you have so I thought it would be best to get her checked out." He explained and Meredith nodded in agreement until her facial expression changed. Derek instantly knew what was crossing her mind. "I just came here because the nurse told me that you woke up to give you an update and ask you how you feel." He now smiled at her. "So how do you feel?" he asked her smirking now.

"I'm okay I guess." She answered as honestly as she could before thinking about something. "Derek, can you do me a favor?" Meredith wanted to know. Derek looked at her expectantly while nodding. "I know that you're worried about me but can you please go and look after Zola? I want her to be supervised while she gets examined. She's our child after all and I don't want her to be alone while some stranger checks her out. She might be scared because she doesn't know the doctors like we do and she's at a strange place for her." She started rambling. "She's our little girl and she shouldn't be al-"

"It's okay, I understand what you're saying. I'm going to go and look after her but you have to promise me that you take care of yourself." He answered before he leaned in and kissed her forehead. Derek smiled at her and left the room leaving Meredith on her own.

Meredith lay in bed trying to figure out what was wrong with her. As she lay there she heard the door opening and closing again and she looked up seeing Cristina and Lexie coming in. "Hey guys." She said and smiled at them.

"Meredith." Lexie said. "How do you feel? Derek told us you fainted in the kitchen and that you have been sick for days. Why didn't you tell us?" she sounded worried. Just as she wanted to say something else her pager went off and she ran out of the room mumbling something.

After Lexie had left Cristina turned to Meredith with a questioning look on her face. "What?" Meredith asked her although she knew what her person wanted. "I fainted, okay? That's it, no big deal. I already have Derek in my face hovering I don't need you, too. Just tell me what's going on with you." She said in a fake annoying voice as she looked at her dear friend. Meredith knew that something was going on with Cristina especially with her second abortion ahead.

"Nothing." Cristina simply answered looking down on her feet. She didn't really want to talk about her feelings to Meredith when she was the sick one in a hospital bed. "So you just fainted out of the blue?" she asked trying to change the subject.

"You know, I know what you're trying to do." Meredith smirked. "You're trying to change the subject but it's not working. You're Cristina and I know you. You're my person. So just tell me already or will have to smack you down and I know some people who would really be happy about that." She started rambling making her point.

"You really want to know what's going on with me?" the black haired doctor asked her friend who nodded. "I have doubts, okay?"

"Doubts with what?" now Meredith was confused. What in the world would go on if it confused Cristina? Cristina, the one person Meredith knew that could act like a robot but could also be human if necessary. "Don't make me say you every little bit of it. You know that you eventually have to tell me."

Cristina knew that Meredith was right and started speaking. "I'm not sure if I want to terminate the pregnancy. I know I said I never wanted a child but times have changed and now you have Zola and I'm married myself and I never thought that would happen either. Plus I realized that I can't make this decision by myself, it's Owen's decision and life, too. Meredith tell me what to do. I don't want to end up like your mother."

"Come here." Meredith patted on one side of her bed motioning Cristina to sit down with her and she did as she was told. "Look, you have Owen and you have me and Derek. You couldn't possibly be like my mother. What makes you even think something like that? You don't have her genes like I do and if I can make it so can you. I never thought I could be a mother and look at me now, I have Zola. You never know that you will be a good mother but if you don't try you'll never know. You might make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. But Cristina, I can't tell you what to do, you have to figure it out for yourself and you have to talk with Owen."

"Thank you." Cristina simply said and sat there with her person. They just lay in bed watching TV.

After Derek had left the room he straightly went to the pediatric floor to look after Zola who was with Arizona. Derek knocked slightly and went into the room. Zola saw him coming in and squeaked just as Arizona was about to check out her lungs. "Hey baby girl." He said soothingly as he went over to her. "How is she?" he was now talking to Arizona.

Arizona looked at him and smiled. "As far as I can tell she's perfectly healthy. Her heart sounds fine and her lungs are strong and so are her little arms and legs. She's been playing with them the whole time and never stopped laughing." She said lighting up as she started talking about the baby. "She's pretty cute."

"Yea, she is. I get that I can take her home, right?" Derek asked. He just wanted his child to be healthy when his wife obviously wasn't. Arizona nodded and smiled at him. "Thank you Arizona." He smiled back at her just as his pager went off and Arizona left the room. He checked the page before picking up the baby and leaving the room.

"Evil Spawn." Cristina said as she noticed Alex coming in.

"Seriously?" Meredith let out as she saw him. "What do you want now Alex? Is there something else you want to do to ruin my life?" her mood changed from kind of happy to angry. She didn't know why she was mad all of the sudden. Especially after she found the empty room in the house the other night she didn't want to be angry anymore.

"I don't want to do anything and I never wanted to ruin your life. I just wanted to be the next Chief Resident but now it's April. I'm on bailey's service today and she's on your case so I'm here because I have to." He explained just as Dr. Miranda Bailey entered the room. Alex handed her the chart with the test results. Dr. Bailey looked at the test results and shook her head.

"What is it Bailey?" Meredith asked before realizing something. "Wait, where is Derek? Did you page him?" she started to panic and started to hyperventilate. Her heart rate went up and everyone could see it on the monitors. Cristina switched from friend to doctor mode and put an oxygen mask over her mouth and nose and spoke to her soothingly.

"Yes, Mer, I paged Shepherd. He should-" Alex started to say but was interrupted by Derek bursting in the room with Zola on his hip. "Is here." He ended his sentence.

"What's wrong?" Derek immediately asked as worry washed trough his whole body. Just then Meredith stopped hyperventilating and her heart rate went down again.

"We can't have the child in here while we're here. Yang, take the baby and go with her to the cafeteria." Dr. Bailey ordered before Meredith could say anything. Cristina just stood there, stunned. "Now." Bailey said in her hard voice making Cristina jump up from the bed taking the baby and leaving the room. "Go and supervise Yang. I don't trust her with the child on her own. I can do this on my own here." Miranda ordered looking at Alex now and he just left the room with a frown.

"Dr. Bailey what's wrong? Why were you shaking your head and sending everyone away? What's wrong with me?" Meredith finally asked knowing that Derek was about to ask the same. They both knew that it couldn't be any good news since she sent everybody away.

"Grey." She sighed trying to figure out a good way to tell Meredith and Derek. "Your blood work came back and your blood is not okay." She said not telling them exactly what it was.

"What?" Derek and Meredith both asked in shock and unison. They both had a really bad feeling in their guts now. Derek was worried for his wife while Meredith was scared to death. "What is it?" Meredith eventually asked. She knew that she had to find out no matter what.

"Meredith I'm afraid you have leukemia." Miranda Bailey said cautiously with a shaky voice. She wasn't a person of heart feelings but telling her former intern she had blood cancer after another intern nearly died of skin cancer just two years before. "We still have to do further tests to confirm it but that's what the blood test says."

"Leukemia?" Derek asked in disbelieve and shock while Meredith couldn't speak at the shock.


	6. Dealing

**First of all I really want to thank you guys for the nice reviews you wrote for the last chapter. They cheered me up a lot and got me to write a new chapter. It's more like a filler for the next chapter which will have a little twist that you all should like a lot! I think you'll have an idea about what I mean when it comes to the end of this chapter… Now have fun reading. Please READ and REVIEW! :)**

**Dealing**

„Meredith?" Derek asked his wife who sat in bed not moving or saying anything. She just sat there ever since Dr. Bailey told her the diagnosis and Derek was worried. He knew that she wasn't a person who talks about feelings that much, but he hoped that she'd open up to him and talk about it. Derek watched his wife sitting there as if she would burst out in tears any second, but she seemed trying to hold on as good as she could. Without any more questions he sat down on her bed just behind her so he could hold her. He caressed her head as he could feel her relax herself in his chest and letting the tears out.

Meredith held onto her husband as she let all her feelings out. Her tears fell like waterfalls and she clutched his shirt for dear life. She didn't want to be sick. All she wanted was to be happy with Derek and Zola without any worries. Just then she realized that Dr. Bailey was still standing in the room. "Are you sure?" she sobbed quietly but still loud enough so the doctor in front of her could hear it. Meredith was afraid of the answer but knew that she had to know.

Miranda Bailey slowly nodded her head. "Your red blood cells are dangerously low and so is your platelet count. I'm sorry, Meredith." She sighed and looked at her former intern and saw that she couldn't believe her ears. "You can see the results for yourself." Dr. Bailey said and handed her the chart. "You know that we still have to confirm the results…"

Derek had an idea what that meant but wasn't sure so he just asked to either confirm or deny his thought. "A bone marrow aspiration" was all Meredith answered even more silent than before and he was shocked because his feeling was right. Being a doctor didn't make it any easier for him due to him knowing exactly what that meant for Meredith and how the procedure was performed. He even knew everything about the risks and all. For the first time in his life he hated being a doctor to the fact that it made him worry even more. After Dr. Bailey told them that she'd schedule the procedure for the next day she left the room and Meredith looked up to him. "I don't want to die, Derek. We just got Zola and I want to be there for her and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. This is supposed to be happily ever after and now it's hell. I'm going to get really bad and sick and you might not even be able to touch me and Zola won't have a mother. She'll go from an orphan to a half orphan. How is that to be better for her? She needs a mother especially with her being sick and you… You need a wife. A woman to be there for and to love." Meredith rambled as the tears ran down faster and she nearly hyperventilated. Derek took an oxygen mask and carefully put it over her nose and mouth before he held her close, drawing soothing circles on her back. He was helpless, Derek Shepherd, head of neurosurgery, was helpless. He knew that they had hard times in front of them but he wanted to fight. Fight for his wife and child and against the cancer. There was no way he would give up that easily. Not after everything he and Meredith already went through. There was the wife who was now his ex-wife, the shooter, losing a pregnant patient and hiding in the woods, Ellis Grey's Alzheimer's and Meredith drowning. They went through all this and Derek wasn't willing to give up just now. He could feel that Meredith didn't want that either and got confirmed by Meredith saying that she wanted to fight the cancer.

After more than half an hour later Meredith's crying went down to silent sobs before fading completely. She looked up to her husband and saw the fear in his eyes. Meredith knew that there was nothing she could do right now to make him feel better so she just snuggled up to his chest. "Derek, we should get Zola here. She's our daughter after all and I think I don't want Alex anywhere near her and Cristina." She paused rambling. "Well, she's Cristina."

"I know what you mean. I'm going to tell a nurse to get her up here, okay?" he asked, not wanting to leave Meredith alone. She just nodded and tried to smile at him but failed. Derek could see that his wife was heartbroken. Therefore, he got up and told the next nurse that passed to go to the cafeteria and get Zola for him. The nurse just nodded friendly and immediately left. Derek went back to his wife and sat down next to her. He could feel that she wanted to talk but definitely not about her sickness. "What's on your mind?" he asked, giving her a chance to tell him.

"It's nothing." She answered. Derek gave her a look telling her that he didn't believe what she was saying. "It's just hard to explain, but before you say anything I'll try, okay?" she asked trying to buy herself some time. She knew she had to tell him after he nodded which he did. "I still want a baby on my own, Derek. Don't get me wrong, I love Zola and I don't want her to be with anyone but us but there is this feeling deep inside of me. I don't say that I want a baby right now, but when Zola is a bit older I want her to have a sibling and us to have a child with our DNA, although mine is pretty crappy DNA, but you said that wouldn't be a problem for you." She was trying to make a point. "You know I want that feeling, the telling you that I'm pregnant, the excitement about how he or she might look like, even the morning sickness and the labor."

Derek just smiled at her statement knowing how much she'd hate especially the last two parts of pregnancy. "I know what you mean and I understand. I want a child with you, too, besides Zola. What about trying and trying until it finally works?" he offered with a smirk on his face and she just nodded with a small smile on her face. Derek immediately knew why she didn't smile wider at his statement or even laugh. "Mer, you won't die. I'm not finished, I'm not finished loving you and you won't die. You'll kick this cancer's ass and live a happy live with Zola, me and our future baby. We'll have a future together and have many children running around in the new house." He comforted her and noticed that it worked because for the first time this day she truly smiled and it reached her eyes making them shine.

Just as Derek gave her a kiss on the lips the nurse came back and knocked on the door. She entered and gave Zola to Meredith who held her close for a minute and inhaled her baby smell. "I missed you little girl." Meredith sweetly said to the baby who just smiled at her with her fingers in her mouth making funny noises. Meredith looked from Zola to Derek and laughed slightly before giving him a kiss. "Can you please stay here with me tonight? I don't want to be alone." She asked quietly.

"Sure I can but then I have to go home and get some formula for Zola and she needs her portable crib and more diapers. We just have one left and I don't want to take those from the nursery because they are needed for the new borns and sick babies. If I go now I won't hit the rush hour so I better get going. Are you okay to be alone for about an hour?" Derek answered immediately getting up and Meredith just nodded. "Okay, I'm going to let Zola stay with you. I won't be able to watch her while I pack everything anyway." He said before kissing both of his women and left the room.

Meredith was left alone in the hospital bed for the first time that day. She knew that this would happen more often as her treatment went. Derek wouldn't be able to take every time off when she got her treatment. They would have to get a nanny to watch Zola because Meredith wouldn't be able to do that anymore. She instantly felt bad to put the little girl through this but she didn't know what else to do. Meredith felt like she was becoming her mother although she didn't want to be like her, but she didn't have any other possibility left. All of her friends were doctors themselves and worked, too. Before Meredith could get to emotional about everything Cristina entered the room without even knocking. "Hey." She tried to play the tough one.

"Oh Meredith, I'm so sorry." Cristina said. Unlikely she was emotional and heart filled. "Why didn't you tell Derek or me that you were sick? Wait was there more than the puking?" she was pretty quiet and didn't seem like the Cristina Meredith knew and loved. Meredith didn't really want to talk about her sickness so she just nodded to the last question her person had asked.

"Please talk about something else. I'm still me and I'm going to fight it. So stop pretending that I'm already dead, especially not when Zola is in the room with us. I want her to have a safe and easy childhood. That's what she deserves. I know you're scared but so am I and I'm the one who is sick here. Just be you and leave it with that." Meredith was in rage. Even though she just was diagnosed that day she was sick of people pretending she was broken. She still was Meredith Grey, daughter of Ellis Grey and she was strong. Broken Meredith was her past, but now she had a family and a support system that made her strong.

Cristina just sat there on the chair next to Meredith's bed watching her friend playing with the little locks on Zola's head and smiled. "Okay." She just said before going on. "I decided to keep the baby but I didn't tell Owen yet. I don't know if I want him to know at all. He can't do what he did and expect me to just forgive him. He kicked me out for not wanting to have a baby. How am I supposed to know that he is there for the child when it's born? He can't do that anyways. He can't just put pressure on me to make the decision he wants me to make. How is that supposed to be a happy marriage? I think I-" Cristina was about to say something when her pager went off and she saw that it was a 911 from the ER so she had to go. She didn't even have the time to finish her sentence.

Meredith had a smile plastered on her face when she turned to Zola who tried to stand up in the bed but always fell back. "Sweetie you're too you to stand by yourself." She said to the infant who let out a little happy scream. Meredith held her steady so Zola could stand a bit. "Here you go. See you're standing." She said sweetly and started laughing again when little Zola clapped her hands in joy. Suddenly Meredith heard something and looked up. Her smile faded as she saw Alex walking over to her room from the nurses' station. She sat Zola down so she wouldn't have to take care that she'd fall. "What do you want? See how my life is going to end? Is that what you want?" she hissed to him as he just entered the room and stood in front of her bed.


	7. Apologies

**I'm really sorry, I didn't update in such a long time! I had a writer's block which I passed thanks to CileSuns92. Then I wrote the entire chapter and lost it because my laptop decided to restart itself, but luckily Word was able to give the file back to me until my laptop decided not to work anymore. So I had to reinstall windows what made me lose the whole file all over again. BUT I was able to rewrite it and here you go!**

**Thank you so much for all the nice reviews that keep me go on writing. I really appreciate them! That's from my side for now. Please **_**READ**_** and ****REVIEW****!**

**Apologies**

Alex was nervous because he knew Meredith was really mad and disappointed at his action. He knew he had no business telling Owen about the trial and felt bad about turning his back to her. "Can we please talk Meredith? I'm really sorry." He tried to apologize, but Meredith just looked away focused on Zola. "I know it wasn't my place telling Hunt about what you did with the trial and I understand why you did it. You just wanted to protect your family from this disease and I get it. I would do the same if it was my family." He tried to make her to listen.

Meredith finally looked up with hate in her eyes. She was mad at Alex for screwing with her career just to become the next Chief Resident. It was her career and he had no business telling anyone what she did or didn't do. "Why would you even care now after you ruined my career? I might never be allowed to come back fully just because _you _had to talk to Owen about thing that is not your business at all. You have no idea how bad this disease is and what it does to the people around the sick one. I might even say that it's even harder on the family than the person who is sick. Have you ever in your life been living with a person who had Alzheimer's? No, you haven't. You haven't been sitting next to your mother while she told you about her time as a resident, letting her think that you're a friend or colleague. You didn't have to listen to stories a child doesn't want to her, no matter at what age. So stop giving me your crap, Alex." She hissed, trying to avoid crying at the thought of her mother. "So why the heck are you here? What do you want from me? Forgiveness? Or are you just happy to see me die?" now the tears fell freely. The thought of dying was too much for Meredith. She didn't want to die, not yet.

The speech he got from Meredith got Alex off guard and he didn't know what to respond at first. He just stood there in the room looking at Meredith with tears in his eyes. He missed his friendship to her. She was the only one of the five interns he still felt close to and he missed her. He missed talking to her. Most of all he knew how bad her disease was with his ex-wife, Izzie, nearly dying from cancer. Alex felt like he was the dark angel for everyone who was close to him. Izzie had left him right after she beat the cancer and now his best friend would die of leukemia. It was too much for him. "I'm so sorry you got cancer, Meredith." He whispered.

"You're not sorry, you just got what you want. I'm not in your way anymore. So be happy and leave." She almost screamed, but tried to hold it back for Zola who was in her arms and nearly cried. She rubbed soothing circles on her little back to calm her down. "It's okay, baby." She whispered in her ear.

"No, Meredith, I want to help you and be there for you. I want to be there for you. You were there when Izzie was sick and I want to return the help you gave her. I-" Alex tried to explain with one tear running down his cheek. He was cut off by Meredith snorting at his sentence and stopped talking. He looked at her in surprise.

"Help me in return? Are you freaking kidding me?" Meredith couldn't believe what he was saying. "Izzie was a friend of mine even if she left. I still consider her friends. What I did for her was because she was my friend. It didn't have anything to do with you at all. So stop giving me your cr…" she stopped talking before she could use another bad word in front of her daughter. Meredith hit herself inwardly for not being able to use proper language around the baby and immediately felt like a bad mother again. She felt like she'd fail the little life on her lap just like her mother had failed her when she was a kid. "I don't need your help. I have enough people who worry about me and I certainly don't need you. Especially not after what you did."

"Please, let me explain." He simply said and looked at her. Meredith just stared at him and motioned him to move on. Alex could see that she was getting weak and exhausted. It could be from the stress or the talking about problems, but he really wanted to resolve the issue between them. "Look, I really appreciated what you did for Izzie and I saw how bad she was. I just want to be there for you as a support system. What I did, telling Hunt, it was a big mistake I made. I shouldn't have put you in this situation. You were the one who gave me some sort of family after everyone just left me. Even after Lexie and I broke up you didn't turn on me. I did a huge mistake and I want to make it up to you, Meredith. Please let me make it up to you." He was now begging.

Meredith noticed that he was honest about what he was saying and that he was truly sorry for what he did. "How?" she finally asked him. Alex looked at her confused, not knowing what she wanted to know. "How do you turn your back on a friend, a family member and be okay with it? How do you ruin someone's career? And how do you just leave without any words?" Meredith was now referring to him moving out at her wish without even saying goodbye to her.

"I-" he sighed, not sure where to start. "I wasn't sure if you ever wanted to see me outside of this hospital and after what I did I wouldn't have blamed you for that. I thought that I should make it easier for you, that's why I talked to the woman who gave you Zola. I wanted to make sure you have this little sunshine in your life. I know how much you want her. To be honest I never meant to turn my back on you, all I wanted was to be Chief Resident, you know, to achieve something after everything fell apart in my live. That's all that was to me telling Hunt and I can't tell you how damn sorry I am and how much I hate myself for it." Alex finally explained with shaky hands.

Meredith noticed his behavior and the way he spoke to her to explain everything and immediately knew that he was truly sorry about everything. "I forgive you." She whispered because Zola was asleep in her arms now. She wasn't sure if she'd said it out loud if Zola would have been awake, but the sleeping infant made a pretty good apology to whisper. Meredith put the baby down in the bed and carefully put the covers over her tiny frame. "Sleep tight, sweetie." She whispered in her ear and kissed her forehead before turning back to Alex who looked at her in awe.

"You know you're a really good mother to her. I think no one would have taken better care of her. Even with your diagnosis you are her rock in the storm." He said in a low voice not wanting to wake the baby up either. Meredith motioned him to come closer and hug her so Alex walked over to the bed and embraced his friend for dear life. "I'm really sorry, Meredith." He whispered in her ear.

"It's okay. I'll fight it and kick this cancer's ass." She simply said after letting go of him. "Thank you." She added and knew that Alex understood what she was thanking him for. He just nodded his head and hugged her again. "Your room is still free. Why won't you move back in with us? You have to know that you might not get that much sleep due to Zola waking up some times at night, but you're a doctor. You should be used to lack of sleep." Meredith now smiled at him and saw that he would really love to move back in.

"I'll move back in at the end of the week if that's okay with you. I already paid my hotel room till then and I would hate to waste the money." Alex answered and Meredith nodded in agreement. Just as he wanted to say something more Alex' pager went off. "Damn it's the chief, I need to go. Take care, Mer." With those words he left the room leaving Meredith alone with her daughter.

Meredith lay back in the bed and slowly stroke Zola's hair, trying to show her that she wasn't alone. She was happy that everything between her and Alex were okay again. She had missed 'Dirty Uncle Sal' as she called him for a nickname. It didn't long until the exhaustion of the events of the day hit her and she fell in a deep sleep.

About half an hour after Meredith had fallen asleep Derek entered the hospital with a bag for Meredith and a diaper bag for Zola. As he walked through the main entrance into the building he saw Bailey, Alex, Cristina and the chief standing in front of a window. They were yelling at someone but he couldn't catch what they were saying. _'Must be something about wrong test results.'_ He thought to himself, noticing that it was the window to the labor. Derek didn't pay further attention the scenery and walked to the elevators to go up to his wife's room.


	8. Think About It

**I know I've been awful updating, but here's the new chapter. I was really surprised that I got just half as many reviews as for the other chapters and that kind of made me stop writing. Anyway here is the new chapter. Please ****Read**** and ****Review****.**

**Think About It**

Derek opened the door to Meredith's room revealing the bed that she was supposed to lie in. Instead of finding his wife sleeping peacefully he saw Zola on the big hospital bed. Derek immediately got worried. Him thoughts drifted to where Meredith could be and what could have happened to her. He walked further in the room and softly kissed Zola's forehead before looking around the hospital room. Due to the diagnosis Meredith got earlier that day he was not just worried about his wife but also about her physical state. She could lie somewhere not being able to move or breathe and no one would find her until it was too late. On that thought Derek's stomach crunched and he nearly threw up right on the floor of the room. Just the thought of losing Meredith, his wife and mother to his child was too much to bear for him. It made a chill run down his spine and cursed goose bumps all over his body. He walked through the room looking more closely to everything when he suddenly heard a choking noise in the bathroom which was connected to the room. He turned around to see light come from under the door and immediately ran over to it. Derek slowly opened the door knowing that the bathroom was really small and nothing compared to the one in Meredith's house. He entered and saw Meredith hovering over the toilet bowl hurling. He instantly knelt down next to her to hold her hair back rubbing comforting circles on her back. "I hate that you're so sick." He whispered not knowing that it was loud enough for her to hear him.

"What do you think, that I like being sick and going through everything I ate twice?" she answered both mad and faintly after another round of throwing up. She turned a bit and leaned against the wall next to the toilet. Just as she wanted to add something she felt sick all over again. She tried to make it to the bowl in time but couldn't hold it until she was over it. So she just threw up all over the floor. "I'm sorry." She whispered before lying back in Derek's arms.

Derek again rubbed circles on her back as she lay back and before any of them knew he swept her up in his arms carrying her back to her bed. He lay her down softly trying not to wake up the baby in bed before getting a trash can right next to the bed. Meredith took Zola and lay her down in her chest. She moved to one side of the bed and motioned Derek to lie down next to her which he did. "You don't have to be sorry for anything, Mer." He whispered in her ear while stroking Zola's little back. The baby reacted to his touch by moving a little but didn't wake up. "I just wish I could make it easier for you." Derek added sadly.

Meredith looked up at her husband and smiled, but the smile didn't reach her eyes. "You can't." she just said as she snuggled up to him, closing her eyes. She breathed in his scent and felt really comfortable even lying in a hospital bed. Meredith's mind was full of things and she couldn't keep her mind off the future. She held Derek close to herself so she could feel his body. All she wanted was remembering every inch of his body.

As Meredith rested her head on Derek's shoulder he breathed in her sweet scent, wondering how long he was able to smell it. Even if she'd survive having leukemia she wouldn't have any hair at all. It didn't bother Derek as long as he still had his love of his life with him, but still her hair was something that called his attention in Joe's bar. Not just her hair, but the way it lay on her shoulders which were covered by a black dress that fit her body and curves perfectly. That night in the bar was something he'd never forget. Even with all the crap they've been through afterwards. They came out of it stronger and with a family. A family. They wanted to have a baby and now they finally had Zola and everything was supposed to finally be fine. Finally they were a family and all could be ruined by one fateful disease and Derek wasn't one to give up. He sent out a prayer to make everything okay and hoped that they would also come out of that like they came through the rest. He didn't care about the bumps and bruises they might get on the way. All that mattered was Meredith and him being together with their little girl. Zola. The child they always wanted was still too small to remember Meredith later on if she died. All she'd remember was growing up without a mother or with a sick mother for that matter. Derek immediately felt awful for the tiny person who lay sound asleep on her mother's chest. He looked down at her and noticed that Meredith had fallen asleep, too. "I love you" Derek whispered as he kissed Meredith's head before drifting off in an uncomfortable sleep.

The next morning Meredith was woken up by little Zola crying at the top of her lungs. She assumed that she needed something to eat and a new diaper as she smelled the stink out of her diaper. Meredith slowly got up trying not to wake up Derek although she knew that it would be a matter of time until he was awake, too. After all Derek used to be a light sleeper and a surgeon. "Go back to sleep." She whispered in his ear as he started to stir but it didn't help and he was up. "I'm sorry, Zola started to cry in need for a diaper and some formula and I didn't want to wake you." Meredith went over to the bathroom where she changed Zola's diaper. It already became natural to her so she was quick dong it. The cries of the infant went down to a whimper and topped as Meredith gave her the bottle of formula.

Right as Meredith was done feeding her baby and lying back down Dr. Bailey entered the room, followed by Cristina and Alex. They all had serious looks on their faces. Derek was the first to notice and asked what was going on. "We lost a patient due to some idiot at the lab. They let an intern do the tests without supervising him. We told her and her husband that she would just be anemic and now she's dead. We have to wait for the autopsy to know what was going on with her." Bailey was the one to explain.

"But what does that have to do with Mer?" Derek asked. "You guys look like her condition was worse than we expected. Did no one tell you to keep your face under control?" He was now getting pissed at the fact that they looked like someone would die that day. His body stiffened and he got up from the bed leaving Meredith and Zola alone in it.

"No, it's nothing bad. It's just that we need to draw and test the blood of every patient again and that's a damn lot to do. The Chief is pissed at that flaw and we're the one who got the task. No surgeries, unless they are emergency, until we drew the blood from everyone." Alex explained trying to look a little happier.

"Think about it, Mer. That could mean that nothing is wrong with you in the first place." Cristina was the one who lightened the mood in that room. The other half of the twisted sisters was the one to make that day better.

"We just need to draw some more blood from you, Grey." Bailey went back to their task and drew her blood before they all went out of the room again.

**Tell me what you think and what should be wrong with Meredith. I really need your help here because I don't know if she should be sick or just fine ;)**


	9. Future

**Hey guys, I'm really sorry about not updating in like three months. To my defense I have to say that life got in the way with me breaking up with my boyfriend and getting sick and figuring out how to live with it right now. Plus my last year of school started and it keeps eating my whole day.**

**Anyway, thank you all so much for the reviews you wrote! They made the time easier for me and helped me get some perspective.**

**Here's the new chapter which is basically about the feelings of Meredith and Derek.**

**Future**

After Dr. Bailey was done drawing blood from Meredith she left the room followed by Cristina and Alex. Meredith just sat on her bed looking at Zola while softly stroking the infant's head. She seemed to be thinking, but Derek wasn't entirely sure about it. Derek could see that she went to her dark and twisty place as always when something happened. He wanted to help and hold her tight and talk to her, but he knew better than to disturb her in her own way of dealing. Taking in her slender form he didn't know how she always gathered the strength to go through all the crap life threw at her. First her father abandoned her, leaving her with a mother who obviously didn't want her, then drowning and dying, coming back to life, the shooting and the miscarriage of their baby with the following diagnosis of a hostile uterus and last but not least all the crap he pulled with her. His mind kept racing through every little detail he did to her starting with not telling Addison and choosing her over Meredith, over breaking up with Meredith and kissing Rose, to him distancing from her after the shooting. Back then he didn't even notice what she went through that day. He didn't even notice that she went through the same – if not even more – than he did himself. She had nearly lost her husband, stood on the wrong end of a gun just to save his life and she lost their baby. Thinking of the baby he felt a lump in his throat. He had always wished for a baby when he was with Addison, but when he met Meredith he knew that he had to have a child with her no matter what.

Meredith kept sitting on the bed slowly stroking Zola. Looking at the baby all she wanted was being able to see her grow up. After losing her baby during the shooting the wish for a baby kept growing until it was unbearable and now that she had Zola she didn't want to let her go even if she had to go herself. The love she felt for Zola was so big that she never wanted to lose it. Meredith wanted Zola to know her and if she died right now, because of the diagnosis and the condition she might have, that never would be the case even if Derek told their daughter about her mother she wouldn't be able to remember her from her own memories. And then there was Derek. Derek, the love of her life, would be all alone with their child and he might not get over her. She would want him to move on if she didn't make it, but she knew better. Suddenly she felt the urge to tell him to move on. "Derek?" she nearly whispered.

Derek immediately stopped pacing around the room and looked at her. "Yeah?" he asked both surprised and confused.

"I need you to promise me something." Meredith started and looked at him pleading. To her satisfaction he nodded his head. "If… If I don't make it…" she paused. "If the diagnosis is bad and I don't make it I want you to promise me that you'll move on. I know that it'll be hard for you, but I need you to move on for Zola. You need to find her a new mother and a new woman for you. I just don't want you to be sad and alone. I want you to be happy and Zola needs two parents. You can't let her be a half-orphan. You need help raising her because of her sickness. It's already hard for two people to balance a relationship and a sick baby…" she rambled and couldn't stop. "And you have to make sure that she knows about me, okay?"

Her rambling took Derek off guard so he didn't stop her right away as he usually did. "Honey, please stop talking like this. I have no doubt in me that everything will be alright. You will be just fine and we will be together like we're supposed to. We'll raise our little girl together."

"Please, Derek, I need you to promise." She practically begged.

"Mer, I can't promise." He answered as he walked over to her and sat down on the hospital bed. "I can't because I just love you and I can't think of being together with anyone else but you and I don't want to raise a child with anyone else but you either. I need you for those parts and so does Zola. She needs you to watch her grow up and be her mommy. She loves you." He explained while rubbing circles over Meredith's back in order to keep her calm. Derek could see her having tears in her eyes and already felt bad for her.

"Derek…" Meredith chocked as she let the tears fall freely. He looked at her as if he was expecting her to say something more, but before she could say anything else she felt really sick and quickly got up. She reached the bathroom just in time to throw up wildly in the toilet.

Derek quickly got up and followed her in the little bathroom. He knelt down right next to her and held her close as soon as she was done retching in the toilet. Feeling bad for her he held her close as soon as she was done throwing up. "I feel so bad for you." He kissed the top of her head. "I really wish I could make it easier for you." Derek softly whispered in her ear. Suddenly Meredith made a quick move and threw up again. Before Derek could take care of her he heard Zola cry. He didn't know what do because he wanted to stay with Meredith, but clearly Zola needed him, too. "I'm going to take care of Zola." He quickly said, knowing that the baby wouldn't stop cry. He walked back to the hospital room and carefully picked Zola up and gave her a bottle of formula.

Just then the door opened and Cristina entered the room. "Where is Meredith?" she asked loudly due to Zola still crying and refusing the bottle. She looked through the room in search of her best friend, her person, but didn't see her.

"In the bathroom. Can you please hold Zola and give her the bottle while I take care of Mer?" Derek asked desperately. After Cristina nodding he handed her the baby and went back to the bathroom where he found a pale Meredith leaning against the wall. "Are you better?" he asked and knelt down next to her.

"I think so." She answered silently. "Can you please give me some water? I need to get that disgusting taste out of my mouth." Derek got her a glass of water and sat back down next to her. "Thank you. Where is Zola?"

"Cristina came in and I gave Zola to her, but I guess she isn't lucky giving her the bottle either. I tried and she refused to take it." Derek explained.

Meredith got up off the floor as Derek did the same as he noticed that she struggled to stand up. "I need to go to her and take care of her." She said softly as she leaned into Derek for support. They went back to the hospital room and Meredith took Zola and the bottle from Cristina and went to the couch where she sat down and fed the baby.

Zola stopped crying as soon as she was in Meredith's arms and took the bottle with no problems. Derek and Cristina stared ad Meredith and Zola as the room went quiet within seconds.

"I came to tell you that I told the lab to rush your blood work, but still do the test twice to make sure that they are right." Cristina informed, being the first one to talk.

"Thank you." Meredith thanked her person.

"You're welcome. I'll page Bailey as soon as I'll get the results and then we'll come to you." Cristina answered and left the room.

"Look, that what you just did is why I can't promise you to find another mother for Zola. You were the only one to calm her down. You two have a special bond and no other woman will be able to fill in that position." Derek breathed as he sat down next to his wife and child. He kissed Meredith's cheek as he held her close.

**Okay, I know that it was kind of lame, but I felt like I should update again and I wrote the entire chapter in the past hours. Tell me what you think and I still take advice for what might be wrong with Meredith. Please REVIEW!**


	10. On The Right Track

**Thank you all so much for the reviews on my last chapter. I really can't tell you how much they meant to me and how happy they made me.**

**Okay, I've had this idea in my mind since I wrote the last chapter and I hope you all like it.**

**On the right track**

Still sitting on the couch with Zola and Derek Meredith couldn't help but think again. Meredith fell silent right after Derek had told her how much he and Zola needed her and never spoke ever since. "What's on your mind?" Derek asked after a small sigh from her. He could see that she was having trouble again.

"Urgh, nothing. I'm fine." She answered still feeding Zola. Meredith kept staring down at the baby in her arms. "Everything is just fine." She mumbled hoping Derek wouldn't hear her, but to her misfortune he did. He also knew better than to believe her when she said that she was 'fine'. 'Fine' always was her code word for when she was everything but fine.

"Mer…" he breathed in a way that showed her that he knew that something was clearly going on with her. She was both impressed and surprised at how good he actually knew her.

She tore her eyes away from Zola to look up at Derek. "I do want to be there for you and help to raise Zola and I will fight for the two of you, you know that. I was just thinking that we're back to where we were just twenty-four hour ago. We already figured everything out, you know, how we handle everything and all. And now we're just right back at point zero. We don't know what's wrong with me and I have to pull you through everything once again. You don't deserve something like this. You don't deserve a wife like this. You actually deserve better than me." She rambled is a pretty quiet voice, but she knew that Derek could understand her.

As he was listening to her Derek tightened his grip around Meredith. He didn't interrupt her because he knew that she needed to talk it off her chest and mind and he was there to listen and make her feel better. "Meredith, there is nowhere else I'd rather be than with you. It doesn't matter to me that we don't know what's wrong with you as long as we're here together and Zola is with us, okay?" Derek soothed his wife.

Meredith felt her heart clutch at his words and was about to kiss him when she felt Zola turning away from the bottle. She put the bottle away and lifted the baby up to her shoulder in order to burp her. Then she cradled the baby back to sleep because it was getting late. "Okay." She answered back to Derek and looked him in the eyes for the first time that day. Meredith could see the love that Derek still had for her even after what she did with his trial. "I know I already told you and all, but I really need you to know that I'm really truly sorry for what I did with your trial." She mumbled not wanting to wake the baby up.

"I know you are and I'm sorry for the way you acted. I was an ass for leaving without any word and leaving you alone with Zola. If I had been in your shoes I would have acted the same way because it was the right thing to do. You're you and I love you the way you are." He breathed in her ear.

"I love you, too, Derek." She whispered back before slowly closing the space between the two of them into a tender kiss. "Let's go to bed. Zola is getting heavy and you look tired."

_She went through the familiar corridors of the hospital not knowing to which direction she was headed, but still she kept walking and walking. Even though she knew where she was Meredith didn't know where she would be next. For all she'd know she could be in the OR or the ER even though those two places were on different floors. Meredith went through a door and was faced with an elder woman standing in front of her in Trauma Room 1. She looked around and noticed that it was the exact room where she had been when she had drowned a few years back. A shiver ran down her spine at the thought of the cool water she was in back then. Thinking back to the time where she was struggling to decide if she should swim or not due to all her issues that seemed stupid afterwards Meredith knew that she wouldn't have to think now and choose life in a heartbeat. Seeing that familiar looking woman standing right in front of her she suddenly noticed that it was her mother in her scrubs just like back then when she met her after she drowned._

"_Mom, what are you doing here? I thought you were dead." Meredith whispered into the room while she walked closer to Ellis. She felt the urge to touch her to make sure she was real and not some part of her imagination._

_Ellis held her hand out to Meredith motioning her to grab her hand and so she did. "I am." Ellis responded without adding another word to it. As the skins of both women touched Ellis' hand closed around Meredith's who felt like a little girl again standing next to her mother._

"_Where are we going?" Meredith asked her mother who just shook her head as if she'd want to say that Meredith wasn't allowed to ask any questions just like when she was 5 years old and her parents got divorced._

_Mother and daughter went through hallways which Meredith again knew, but couldn't pin point the destination of their walk. Suddenly Ellis stopped right in front of a door and motioned Meredith to open the door and she did. They entered the sterile and cool room which Meredith didn't recognize at all. She let her eyes roam through the room. Suddenly she spotted a little boy about two or three years old with dark curly hair and the blue eyes she'd recognize anywhere when she saw them._

**Okay guys, I know that it's a bit different to what you're used to, but please go with it. I will reveal what this all is about in the next chapter. So you should keep reading and most importantly REVIEW!**


	11. Daniel

**Thank you so much for all the amazing reviews you guys sent me. They really made me happy and want to write more. Here is the second part of the dream Meredith has with a little cliffhanger, but you'll understand within the next chapter.**

**I'm not sure if I should end the story with the next chapter or keep going. So please tell me what you think, okay?**

**Daniel**

_Meredith couldn't stop and stare at the beautiful little boy who stood there and looked back right at her. She went closer to him to see him better. She couldn't stop noticing the similarities he had with her and Derek and in her eyes he was the cutest kid she had ever seen in her life. Even though the little boy looked so familiar she didn't know him. "Who are you?" Meredith asked, but didn't get an answer from the boy._

"_That's Daniel." Ellis answered for the boy, but didn't offer any more explanation for Meredith. Instead she just looked at her like she used to when she was a child when Ellis wanted her to make the connection herself. Meredith didn't make the connection though._

"_Daniel is a beautiful name. I would have named my baby Daniel if I was able to get pregnant." She said more to herself than anyone else in the room. "Whose is he and what is he doing here? Isn't he supposed to be with his parents? He is still so young. He should go to kindergarten and have fun with his friends and family. He's supposed to go to school and graduate and build a life." Meredith rambled not looking at anyone in particular._

_Ellis looked at her daughter as if she was stupid. "Do you remember what happened last year?" she asked looking down at Meredith's stomach. Meredith nodded in understanding as she remembered the shooting and the miscarriage. "He's yours. Daniel is the baby you lost."_

"_What? No, no, that can't be." She stuttered and sobbed as she couldn't believe her ears. "I was just about six weeks pregnant back then. There was no telling if it was a boy or a girl and the baby clearly wasn't about two or three years old as Daniel is. He… He can't be mine and Derek's." Meredith started to sob as she remembered that fateful day when she lost her baby and nearly lost her husband._

_Very untypical for Ellis she laid an arm around Meredith's shoulder as an attempt to comfort her. "He is your son. I know that you know it by just looking at him that he is part of you and Derek. That's why he looked so familiar to you. In the afterlife time doesn't matter. Look closely at me. I'm back to the time when I was a resident and I clearly wasn't a resident when I died, but that's just what happens here. He's older than when he joined us and I'm younger. He surely is your son and I've been taking care of him since he came here. He's not alone or anything. I promise I'm better with him than I was with you. I'm not going to crush him the way I crushed you. I'm looking out for him while you're with the living." She explained._

_Meredith looked at her mother and noticed that she was right about time not being relevant in the afterlife. She noticed that she looked way younger than she remembered her. "Oh my god." Meredith whispered as tears ran down her cheeks in a steady flow. Just there and then she wished nothing more but to be with Derek so he could hold her. Right now all she needed was a tight embrace from her husband. In an attempt to feel close to someone she slung her own arms around herself. The grief about losing her baby came right back to her._

_Ellis came closer to Meredith and threw her arms around her leaving mother and daughter in their first real embrace ever. "I know it's hard Meredith and I'm sorry you have to go through this, but I need you to listen closely to what I'm about to say, okay?" she whispered to Meredith in a soothing voice._

"_Okay." Meredith choked out as she let go a little from her mother and looked at her. When Ellis let go of her she went over to Daniel and picked him up. She held her baby close to her body for the first and maybe only time ever in her life. "I love you and think about you every day. So does daddy." She breathed to the little boy in her arms "I need for you to remember that we love you, okay? Can you do that for me and daddy?" Meredith asked as Daniel looked at her and nodded slightly. "Good." She kissed his forehead. Daniel threw his little chubby hands around her neck and kissed her cheek. Meredith's heart skipped a beat and swelled with pride all in one second as she forgot everything around her. For Meredith this was a big bonding session with her baby boy and she wanted to enjoy every second of it._

"_Meredith, I need you to listen now. I know you want to spend as much time as possible with Daniel, but what I have to say is important." Meredith looked back up at her mother. "You have to be really careful Meredith because otherwise there will be another one joining us."_

"_What do you mean?" she was confused and wanted to know what her mother was saying, but before Meredith could get an answer she was pulled out of her dream._

Meredith woke up to the cries of Zola. She tried to get up to change the baby as she smelled that she needed a new diaper, but she couldn't. It was like she was tied to the bed and couldn't get up. Suddenly she noticed that it was Derek having an arm tightly around her as he slept. Meredith carefully lifted his arm and got out of his embrace before getting up and walking over to the couch where she changed Zola and fed her a bottle of formula.

"Morning." Derek murmured as he slowly woke up missing his wife in bed.

"Hey, I'm sorry I woke you. Zola needed a change." she said, trying to sound happy, but Derek could look right through her facade.

"What's going on Mer? You look like something is bothering you. And don't pull the 'I'm fine' line with me, I know better than to trust this sentence." He half asked half demanded as he got up and walked over to the couch.

"I… I had a dream." She said burping Zola and laying her down in the crib a nurse must have brought in some time during the night. The baby went right back to sleep and Meredith rejoined Derek on the couch looking at him. "I…" she stuttered again before rambling - with a constant flow of tears running down her cheeks - so fast that Derek didn't get the chance to interrupt her. "I saw my mother in Trauma Room 1 and we walked over to another room where a little baby boy at the age of two or three stood looking awfully familiar. It turned out that he, Daniel, was the baby I lost during the shooting. He was beautiful and the cutest baby I've ever seen youth your hair and eyes, but my nose and lips. Anyway my mother told me to be careful otherwise there would be another one joining them."

Derek was stunned and didn't know what to say so he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her head. Before he even had the chance to find his voice back someone knocked at the door and came in, revealing Dr. Bailey with a paper, probably Meredith's test results, in her hands.

**Please tell me what you think about this chapter and send me a review and don't forget to tell me if you want me to write more or end with the next chapter. Love you guys.**


	12. The Results

**Okay guys, I know it has been ages again since I've updated this story and I'm really sorry! You probably all heard it a lot of times, but I'm in my last year of school and will start with the final exams next month which means I'm studying a lot and trying to juggle my private life with my school and work life. Anyway I got a little time today to write this. For now have fun with this update.**

**The Results**

Meredith and Derek were expectantly looking at Dr. Miranda Bailey who kept staring down and the paper before looking up to them. Just as she opened her mouth Bailey's pager went off. "I'm sorry, big trauma coming in. I'll come back and discuss the results with you." She said before running out of the room.

Derek turned back to his wife who was sitting there looking extremely pale. "Mer, it's going to be alright. Bailey would have told us if it was something bad." He tried to calm both his wife and himself. He knew perfectly well that it could also be something bad going on with her. For all he knew she could have a brain tumor. People weren't just fainting out of nowhere and here he was seeing his wife losing consciousness a few times over the past couple of days.

Meredith didn't say anything in response and lay back in his arms in order to look for some comfort. "Hmmm…" was all she mumbled.

Sitting there on the couch Derek realized a tension in the room. "I'm glad you told me about your dream." He said kissing the top of his wife's head while he held her as close as possible to his body trying to calm her down.

All Meredith could do was sitting there and trying to keep calm as her husband held her close. She tried to enjoy the closeness, but due to not knowing what was wrong with her she couldn't relax right at that moment. Her mind was spinning in circles about her own health and what would happen to Zola when her disease would be bad. Even though in her head she knew that Derek had a point at saying that Bailey would have told them if it was something bad she couldn't shake the feeling off for even one second. Right in this moment Meredith felt as dark and twisty again as in the past and she didn't like it.

Sitting on the couch in her hospital room and feeling dark and twisty Meredith couldn't help but think back at the time she was on her trip through Europe with Sadie and sleeping around. She noticed how much had changed since then. She'd settled down, got married to a wonderful man who'd do anything for her and was a mother to the most beautiful baby girl who was currently sleeping soundly. With this thought in mind Meredith leaned back even further into her husband's embrace, but she couldn't stop worrying about what'd be wrong with her. Sure Derek was right Bailey would have told them if it was something really bad, but still she couldn't get her mind off of it.

"So about that dream you were talking about." Derek whispered unsure if his wife wanted to talk about it, but he needed to know. "I'm still so sorry that you had to go through all of this alone that day, but I'm glad that someone is looking out for Daniel." He paused as he felt a slight pain in his heart by the mention of his dead baby. "I really wish that I could have with you or even better if nothing happened that day. You are strong Meredith, but that doesn't mean that you have to battle your fights alone and I want you to know that. I'm here with you for good and nothing will ever make me turn my back to you. No fight and no sickness or anything comparable. You and me – that's forever and I really need you to remind that no matter what, okay?" he whispered in Meredith's ear and held her even tighter than before.

All Meredith could do was nodding and trying to swallow the tears that were at the edge of rolling down her cheeks. The loss of the baby sat deep in her heart and every time she started to think about him she could start to cry in a matter of a second. All she wanted was to have it all back, all the things she'd lost the day of the shooting. She loved Zola down to the bone, but deep in her heart she knew that it would never be the same with her as with Daniel. Zola was her baby girl and she loved her a lot, like really really much, but she couldn't shake the feeling of something missing in her life. It was a feeling like her family wasn't complete yet and it'd take a long while to be completed. She knew she'd never do anything to hurt Zola and that she couldn't live without her anymore since she became such a big part of her life and she wouldn't want to miss her for anything in the world. Meredith knew she should talk to Derek about it, but she knew how strange it sounded. It even sounded strange and twisted in her own mind and she couldn't expect Derek to understand her thoughts. He'd try to understand and she knew that, but she still couldn't bring herself to it.

"Penny for your thought." Derek whispered in her ear.

"Oh, it's nothing. I was just thinking about how much Zola belongs to us and…" Meredith didn't know what to say next. "Stuff." She finally ended her sentence.

"Are you sure? You look like it was something really big that was on your mind. I think you should get it off your chest." He offered.

"Alright." She started, trying to find the right words to explain it to him without sounding strange. "Since that dream I can't help but feeling like something is missing in our lives. I mean Zola is amazing and I love her, but I still have the feeling like something is missing and that dream made it clear to me." She murmured.

Derek kissed her head and rubbed her left arm in understanding. He knew that he didn't need to say anything to show her his understanding. "I know." He answered knowing that she understood what he was trying to say – he felt exactly the same.

Just as they leaned back more in a comfortable silence the door opened again revealing Dr. Miranda Bailey who just came in and closed the door behind herself.

"Alright, Grey…" she nodded to Meredith. "Shepherd" she said nodding to Derek. "I'm just going to get through this before I get paged again and will be interrupted for a second time today. Grey, your hCG levels are up which basically means that you're…" Dr. Bailey said.

"Pregnant." Meredith, Derek and Dr. Bailey all said in unison.

**Tell me what you think and please REVIEW. It doesn't take that much time and it really means a lot to me! :)**


	13. Fear

**Okay guys. Since I need to write more for my "Abitur" exam (my first written exam is in English) I decided to train my writing by writing another chapter. It's a little bit sad given the topic, but I just can't see Meredith all bright and shiny with the news of her second pregnancy after the loss of her first one. So this is my side of seeing it all.**

**I really want to thank all of you guys for the amazing reviews on the last chapter. Those really made my day and I'm always glad to get some feedback.**

**Alright now, without any more rambling from my side here's the next chapter for you.**

**Fear**

There they were, sitting in a hospital room just after they got the news of Meredith being pregnant. It seemed like an eternity since they figured out that Meredith was pregnant again, but in reality it was barely a minute. Meredith could feel her husband holding her tightly to his warm body as his hand ran up and down her arm as a motion to sooth her a little and keep her from panicking. They both couldn't believe what they just found out. After losing their first baby Meredith was pregnant again. Pregnant! It was a shock to both of them since they thought it wouldn't happen to them again after that day. With the adoption of Zola they had pretty much closed the door to having a biological child and now they just got the news of a little miracle living in Meredith's uterus. They even stopped trying to get pregnant when they had to understand that it wouldn't happen again. Sure, they didn't use protection since there wasn't a danger of any disease or anything since they were in a committed relationship and not sleeping with anyone else so they both never thought about going back to using condoms. They both were doctors and knew what the consequences could be, but with all the trying and not happening they practically gave up on that topic. So they never thought it would eventually happen.

"Are you sure that the tests are right this time?" Derek asked, knowing that Meredith would want to know, too. The wrong tests from before were still making a cold run down his spine.

"Dr. Shepherd, I know you don't want to get your hopes up in case to get disappointed, but I brought the blood to the lab myself and supervised the lab tech as he ran the tests on it. The work he did was flawless and there is no indication for the results to be wrong for a second time." Dr. Bailey explained.

Meredith still sat on the couch not saying anything. She kept staring at Zola and not talking. It seemed like she was in another universe, but in reality she was just trying to cope. The pain of losing Daniel hurt her too deep even when she didn't notice it back then. The aftermath of the miscarriage was way too painful for her to handle and she knew she couldn't go through with it again. She couldn't lose another baby. She'd lost Daniel and she had to fight a hell of a lot to even get Zola and she just didn't want to go through the pain again. It was like something was ripping her heart apart. It felt like there were two ropes trying to pull it to other sides. One side was her being happy that she was pregnant again after the loss and the diagnosis of her hostile uterus, the other one was her being afraid of another miscarriage. Her head started to hurt with all those thoughts running through her head while she was trying to follow the conversation.

"What about her other blood levels?" Derek finally wanted to know after a long pause. Meredith could hear the dread in his voice and knew he was scared. Scared of his wife being sick. Scared of losing his wife or his baby or even both of them. To be precise Derek Shepherd was scared of everything in the world. "What does the rest say? She isn't sick, is she?" He actually didn't want an answer, but he knew he had to know. He also knew that they'd try to fight whatever it was together, but he still was scared to death. Especially with her being pregnant. He knew he couldn't bear it if they had a baby and Zola when Meredith would be sick and maybe dying. He couldn't imagine his life with a child or two without Meredith by his side. "Please tell me she is alright." He finally breathed.

Bailey just looked at his form and could see he was having a lot of trouble coping. Meredith on the other hand looked like a statue just sitting there. "According to the results the first diagnosis was completely wrong. All that showed up on the second blood test was the elevated hCG levels. She is just fine. I'll set up an appointment for an ultrasound just to make sure everything is progressing well and I'll keep her here another because her pregnancy symptoms showed up way more intense than it usually would, but she should be fine to go home tomorrow. Will you tell her that when she gets out of shock?" Bailey said in her usual tone. "Congratulations!" she said before leaving the room.

Meredith and Derek kept sitting there in shock until Zola woke up again wanting to cuddle. Meredith picked up her little girl and held her close as the baby grabbed a strand of her hair and took it in her mouth. "I love you baby girl." She whispered in Zola's ear and sat back down again. After shifting Zola to her other side so she was between Meredith and Derek she leaned back in her husband's arms. "Derek, we need to talk about it…" she looked at him and knew he understood what she meant. "Look, I'm not to say that I'm not happy about this…" she paused. "Pregnancy. I am happy about it in a way, but we need to face the fact that it might not be for long and that I might lose this one, too. We shouldn't get too attached because it could be over faster than we know. You know what the doctor said. I can lose it again and I…" she rambled.

"Mer…" he whispered trying to interrupt her. "I know what the doctor said and I know what you want to say. There is the possibility of everything crushing down to our feet again, but for now we just try to find perspective until we get to see everything on the ultrasound. I know you are scared and don't want to go through all of it again and I completely understand, but I am scared, too. I don't want to lose another baby just like you. It would be hell, but it's not in our hands. What is in our hands is us trying not to worry too much and it's what's best for you and the baby, too." He said kissing her temple from time to time.

"You're right. I'm just not sure if I can go through losing another one, Derek." She whispered so quietly that he nearly didn't hear her.

**I know this chapter is kind of dark and twisty, but I need you guys to know that I'm not one to bring in a baby in the mix and take it away again. There will be some angst through the following parts (which is to be expected), but there won't be another miscarriage.**

**Okay, please tell me what you think and if Meredith and Derek should have one baby or twins. If you're for twins please tell me if you'd rather want boy/girl, boy/boy or girl/girl. I have ideas for all four possibilities and just can't decide so I really need your help here. Please review! :)**


	14. Decision

**You guys really are amazing. Thank you all for your reviews and helping me decide what to do with the baby. It helped me more than you think because I know how to go on with this story now. I decided to write a new chapter because the reviews animated me to write. It might be the last one for like two weeks since I'll start my exams next week. Just to give you the heads up.**

**Decision**

„What are you trying to say?" Derek asked scared of her answer. He felt like he wouldn't want to hear what she was about to answer, but he knew that he had to know anyway. "Mer, you're not saying that you don't want that baby, are you? You're not saying that you…" he couldn't say it. He knew she understood what he wanted to say.

"What?" she nearly yelled as she looked at him in shock. She couldn't understand why Derek would even think something like that, but then she understood that her ramble might have scared him more than she meant to. "No, Derek. Look, let's get someone to watch Zola and we can talk about this, okay?" she offered not wanting to have her baby listening to a conversation like this. Not at her age anyway. Even though she was most likely not to remember she just wanted to protect her little girl from the world. "Let's page Lexie. She seems to love taking care of her niece." Meredith offered and took her phone to page her sister.

It took Lexie five minutes to arrive in the hospital room. She entered after softly knocking because she didn't know if Zola was sleeping or not and she definitely didn't want to disturb her sleep or even worse, wake her up. "Hey." She said when she noticed them all sitting on the couch. "You paged me?"

Meredith looked at Derek and then turned to her sister before she started to speak. "I…" she wasn't sure how to tell Lexie without actually telling Lexie what was going on.

"Meredith and I need to talk and we were wondering if you were able to watch Zola for a little while. We don't want her to get in the middle of anything." Derek covered for his wife.

"Sure, I can take her. I'm on lunch break anyway." Lexie smiled. "Are you guys alright though? Are you having another fight about the trial? Derek, you know Meredith just did that to help and not to ruin anything." She started to babble.

"Yes, we're alright. We just have to have a grown up talk without a child in the middle of it all. I promise you that we won't go back to where we were a couple of days ago, okay?" He offered his sister-in-law. Derek noticed Meredith biting her lower lip and knew she was freaking out on the inside again. He held her tighter without grabbing her too tight in order to sooth her once again.

"Okay, I'll take Zola and go to the cafeteria. I'll also get her something small to eat so you don't have to worry. It's about lunch time for her anyway. So you two take your time to talk and page me when you're done so I know about it. When I'm getting paged into surgery I'll bring her down to the daycare so she won't be handed around too much, alright?" Lexie offered.

"Sure. Thanks, Lex." Meredith said and got up handing the baby over to her sister and giving Zola a little kiss on her cheek. "I love you baby girl. Aunt Lexie will take care of you for a little while okay?" she asked Zola and hugged her one last time before Lexie left the room again. Meredith turned around and looked at Derek. "Let's talk then."

"Okay, so you got me confused. What were you talking about in the first place? I'm freaking out here. This is our child we're talking about and I need to know what you were meaning by 'not being sure if you can lose another one'?" Derek had water in his eyes and tried to hold them back. He felt like he was fighting for his unborn child like he was fighting for Zola a few weeks ago.

"I wasn't talking about abortion, Derek. I will carry this baby to term when it is viable. We will have this child if I won't lose it like I lost the last one." Meredith felt a tuck at her heart when she spoke of Daniel again. "I was saying that I will let them cut my tubes when this doesn't work out for us and I lose this baby, too." Her voice broke to the end of the sentence. She actually didn't want to do it, but she couldn't get pregnant a third time and losing it again. "I know that it sounds hard, but Derek, I can't get pregnant a third time and lose the baby again then. It just hurts too much. It's not just the physical pain when you feel this piercing pain, but also the mental pain it does to me. You know I had to let them evacuate the fetus the last time and the procedure didn't quite hurt as much as the loss itself and I just-" Tears were now clearly running down Meredith's cheeks. "I just can't have faith in anything when this won't work for a second time. I'm definitely not going to go through this a third time. I know you might just not get me, but this is something I have to do for me. So Derek, please don't be mad at me for it." She half begged and half rambled while she was pacing the room up and down.

Derek was both relieved and shocked by the revelation, relieved because for now his child was safe and shocked because he never thought that Meredith would put so much thought to her situation. He knew the loss hurt her, but he never thought that the scars were so deep. "I don't hate you. In fact I understand what you're saying." He said getting up and stopping her pace.

"No, you don't understand. That day… When I lost Daniel all I thought about was how lucky I was that you survived because I thought that we could just make a new baby and that would be it. I don't feel bad for being happy that you survived, but I feel bad for everything else I thought back then." By now Meredith was crying.

"Shhh, Mer it's alright. I know you feel bad about it. I might not get you all the time, but I totally understand what you're trying to say." He hugged her close and ran a hand up and down her spine. Derek felt Meredith relax a little in his embrace and pressed a kiss on her head. "I'm really sorry that you had to go through all of that alone. I wish I would have been with you, but we can't thing like that. We need to think positive and not be scare of it all. I'm scared, too. I wasn't with you the last time and I don't want to miss a minute of this pregnancy no matter what will happen. I'm in this for good with you and I will support whatever decision you will make. I might not always be happy about it, but that's only natural. This will work out and we will have a beautiful little baby that looks like you and me. This is the happily ever after part. We're not losing this baby, but if and only if we do I will support your decision."

"Thank you, Derek." She whispered. "I love you." She said as she looked up to him.

"I love you, too." He replied. He leaned down and kissed her lips softly.

**You know what to do. Please read and review. :)**


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